I have understood, after a really long time why people hate me. Since childhood, I have had very little friends, though I have not been a kind of an introvert. I wanted to mingle with people, go out with them, but I was not able to, since others did not like me much. When in college, It was a fact that I never had a best friend. The guy who I thought was my best friend, was someone else’s best friend and I was last in the list. While at work, people tired to avoid me. I was depressed all my life, until this day, when I realized the truth.
There are two reasons (basically one) but I have made it two for better understanding.
1. I open myself up very quickly
The nature of the human mind is to seek. It needs to know everything. Because the minds thinks that not knowing might bring danger. The mind keeps thinking, what kind of danger it might bring. So the mind needs to know. Whenever anything comes in its hands, it dissects it, operates on it, goes to the microscopic and submicroscopic level and tried to find our everything.
You must have noticed, that two people, not known to each other, when travelling together in a train or a bus, always tend to talk. The exchange names and ask each other what he or she does. It is the mind, who needs to know, because it is scared that God knows what might come up. Even if they do not talk, they keep talking within themselves about the person. The keep guessing, looking at the person’s behavior and belonging’s who might it be? And the inner chatter and guessing continues till the time they are sitting next to each other.
And when it knows, when it has nothing to find, it throws it away. It becomes useless. The attraction was only due to the lack of knowledge about that particular person or thing. All pursuits are only to know. And because of an inherent fear. Fear makes us seek and there is no end to it. This fear never ends. If there is no fear, there will be no seeking. The fear is usually deep inside us and we generally do not know about it.
The fear is the cause of all pursuits, whether it is an object, money or people. When the knowledge is apparently complete, the fear is gone and the seeking is over. This is the nature of human beings.
In my case I open myself up very quickly. In the first meeting with someone, they know everything about me. They know everything, like, what I do, whether I am married or single, where I work, what are my interests, what I read, what are my hobbies and everything. I become an open book. I don’t know why but I tell them everything. I tend to. They come to know that I am harmless. I am peaceful. They come to know that in no way I can be of any danger to him or her. Rather the also come to know, what they can get from me. Whatever they need they take and throw me away.
The reason is when I open myself up, their mind stops seeking. They do no longer chase me or want me. They know everything about me. Now, they do no longer want me. When I go to them, I feel ignored because I am of no use to them, and neither I pose any danger, neither I am mysterious.
I am ignored. I feel it is my fault because I revel everything in the first few meetings itself.
2. I reveal my own fears, problems and tensions
We have to understand that we are all humans. We have the same fears, same tensions and same problems. Because the origin of fear is the same for all of us. We will talk about the origin of fears in another post.
The fears are there, there are somewhere deep inside you mind. They pop out from time to time and cause you enormous tension. You hide it immediately with some cover. But the fear never goes. It remains and keeps bothering you from time to time.
We are always in the look out for a cover. We want to hide it under a blanket.
As I have told that all our seeking is for knowledge, we see whether the other will be of any use to us or is completely useless. The seeking is only to know whether the other will be of any use to us. What can be a possible use of another person? It may seem many things, but the most basic thing is whether the other person will be able to cover my fears. The fears are dangerous. If they pop out and possess us, it may cause enormous trouble. So we constantly look out for people who will be able to cover up my fears.
We never talk about our fears. We suppress our fears because we have been taught to suppress our fears since the time we were children and we have been suppressing our fears since that time. We want them to be hidden and want to carry them to our grave.
Everyone has fears. If anyone comes and tells me that he does not have fear, I would not believe. It has to be someone like the Buddha to say so. All others, I mean those who are not enlightened, have fears and we are continuously protecting ourselves. We are always trying to make our fears hide under the blanket. All seeking, all questions and all arguments (internal and external) are to protect ourselves.
When I reveal my fears, when I reveal my tensions, anxieties to others. I immediately become useless for them. They are looking for someone, who will be able to save them for their own fears, which they have been hiding. They are looking for someone fearless, which is very very difficult to find in this planet. They thought, when they met me, that may be I ll be able to save them, but I come out to be someone who is himself afraid like them.
I become a mirror and reflect their real faces, which they hate to see. They want to hide under a mask of bravery, but internally they have only fears, which makes them seek all life and they die one day with the fears. They fail to understand that I am also a human and not enlightened like a Buddha. I have the same fears that they have. We all have same fears, because we all have the same egos, we have the same identities, which we keep protecting.
The only difference is – I reveal and they don’t. By revealing I become a weak guy and others by hiding, become strong and brave. According to me, being brave is just a false show. It is not true. It is suggestive of another fear. Whatever we do, whether we hide or reveal, the fear is there and will be there if not completely uprooted from our being. Simply hiding our fears will not make us brave.
When I reveal my fears, I act as a mirror. I remind them of their fears because the fears I have are the same as theirs. When I talk about my fears, they see themselves in me. They see themselves as a scared person. But I cannot help. I cannot pretend. I have to reveal whatever is going on inside. I do not know whether it is my weakness or bravery.
They throw me out.