“To not be in a relationship, when in a relationship and to be in a relationship, when not in a relationship is the key to happiness”
This is a continuation of my post – “Why we hate?”. As I have always said, in order to like or love, you have to first eliminate hate. You cannot forcibly eliminate hate or forcibly love. Love is always there, but it is clouded by hate. You have to remove hate by understanding. Once hate has been removed by understanding, love will automatically happen. So our effort should not be to love, but to remove hate.
I have written about an exercise in my post – “why we hate?”. I am doing the exercise myself, to make you understand clearly what I meant in my previous post.
I have made three columns – The first column contains all the “I”s. It contains what makes us who we are, in the second column I have written the person or the situation that make us who we are and in the third column I have written when we start hating the person responsible for making who we are.
|What makes you “YOU”||Person/Things concerned that makes You “YOU”||When we think that we are in trouble and hate the person concerned|
|I am a good person||Society||The society has given you a label of a good person. If one or more person in the society calls you bad or not so good, you start hating that person and love those who call us good|
|I am 30 years old||Society||Any one who calls you older or younger that what you are, you start hating that person|
|I am a son/Daughter||Father/Mother||If by any change, my parents disown me, we become depressed|
|I am a father/Mother||Son/Daughter||When your son or daughter leaves you, you become sad|
|I am a husband/wife||Husband/wife||When we go through a divorce, we suffer and ultimately start hating the spouse of causing you so much trouble|
|I have a good looking husband/wife||Society||Someone says your spouse in ugly, you hate that person|
|I am good looking||Society||Someone calls you ugly – you hate that person|
|I have a healthy body||Myself/society||Someone comments that you are looking sick and down, you hate that person|
|I am a friend||My Friends||when your friends leaves you (goes to another city) or when he is no longer a friend, when he no longer listens to you, hatred slowly develops|
|I am an Employee in a Reputed Company||Company||when the company asks you to leave, you hate it.|
|I am the owner of a car||My Car||When you car is no longer your car or is stolen or has been damaged or has broken down, you are sad and eventually think about selling your car – you start hating your car or the person who lead to that situation|
|I am the owner of a house||My House||When you have to sell your house for some reason or the other you feel sad|
|I have money in my account||The money||when you loose money, you are worried and sad|
|I am famous in my fiend circle||My Friend circle||when you lose importance in your friend circle, you are sad|
|I am educated||My school/College||when someone calls you that you are behaving like an uneducated person, you hate that person|
|I am a student||My school/College||When, due to some reason or the other, you are asked to leave you school, you hate you school or college|
|I am a teacher||My students||When one or more students leave you, you are sad|
|I am someone’s adviser||The person(s) I advise||When the person who seeks advise from you no longer does so, you are initially sad, and then start to hate that person|
|My Goals||Person/Things concerned that will make us achieve our goals.||When we think that we are in trouble and start hating the other|
|I want to be rich||Money (Through work or Business)||When you lose you job or your business suffers or when you lose money you are sad and hate the person who is responsible for this loss|
|I want a promotion||My Manager||You hate you manager for promoting some other employee instead of you|
|I want to start a business||Money, Idea, Co-founders, Customers||Someone does not invest in your company, someone disagrees to lend you money, your team disintegrates and all of then join another person, or you business has started and then somehow your products don’t see, your prospective customers do not buy you product – you start hating the person responsible for not allowing you to start a business|
|I want to be famous & renowned||Society||The society does not consider you famous. You hate to live in the same society and change your city or may be country (some people do change countries)|
|I want to be a writer||My Idea, Publisher, Readers||You do not have a proper Idea – you hate yourself, you find someone already has the same idea and has already published – you hate yourself, your publisher does not agree to publish your book -you hate the publisher, the readers do not consider you a good writer – you start cursing all of them you has disagreed|
|I want a bigger car||Money||Somehow you are not able to have that money required to buy your favorite car – you hate the person or the situation responsible|
|I want a bigger house||Money||Somehow you are not able to have that money required to buy your favorite car – you hate the person or the situation responsible|
|I want another kid||spouse||Your wife does not agree for another baby, you hate you wife and may be you will think about divorce|
|I want to look good||Society||Someone says that you cannot be that good looking – you hate all the people who have said that you cannot be that beautiful|
|I want a good looking spouse||Spouse||You will not marry till the time you find the person of your choice – any by any chance if he or she is not upto the mark, you will hate her|
|I want a rich spouse||Spouse||Your spouse was rich when you married, but due to some reason or the other, he has lost all the money – you hate him or her an eventually think about divorce|
|Since I am good, I want all my colleagues to like me||Colleagues||You will hate the colleague who says that you are not good|
|I want the whole world to love me, whoever I meet||the whole world||This is not possible – you will hate the whole world and eventually hate yourself for not being that good so that everyone loves you|
|I want a peaceful life||situations around||Life keeps changing all the time – in case there is a crisis – you will hate yourself and you will be suicidal|
|Every 3 months I want a vacation||Money, Time, Manager||There are possibilities that you may not have money, your manager did not approve you leave application, may be your have other more important work and you had to skip your vacation – you will start hating every person or situation that did not allow you to have the vacation|
|I want to tour the world||Money||There are possibilities that you may not have money, your manager did not approve you leave application, may be your have other more important work and you had to skip your vacation – you will start hating every person or situation that did not allow you to have the vacation|
The whole of the first column is imaginary and it is called your ego. These are all desires and they help you to be who you are. Otherwise who will you be? But all these things are cause of your trouble. Whole life, in order to realize these identities, we chase one thing or the other. If these are imaginary, than what is real? The place where you are reading this post is real. This moment – here and now is real. Everything else is just a dream. You you watch yourself – your actions and your thoughts very carefully, you will see that every single word uttered or every effort made is towards realizing the “I”s in the first column.
We hate when someone does not help us realize our first column. All our hatred arises from our desire to keep the “I”s alive. Anyone against this first column of ours, he is our greatest enemy.
The moment you know these identities of yours, these “I”s, you will know why you hate. The moment hate comes, if you are aware, you will be relate between your hate and your imaginary Identity, your “I”.
We search for peace of mind. We search for happiness. But how can we be happy and satisfied when we have much to do. Each “I” interferes with the other. And after all, trying to have peace of mind is also an attempt to realize one of the “I”s.
For someone like Gautama, the Buddha, the first column is Blank. This leads to the peak of “peace of mind” that a human being can attain. It leads to enlightenment. It does not happen by making – “peace of mind” a goal, else it would be one of the contents of your first column, but by doing away with the goal.
Having “peace of mind” as a goal is an interesting topic for discussion. We will discuss about it in another post.
We cannot do away with the first column, it does not happen so drastically But if we, GIVE A PAUSE, between our actions, if we watch ourselves, if we develop awareness, we will have a choice. You will know the driving driving force behind every action of yours. The driving force has enormous momentum, the moment you pause, the momentum is lost and you can then change you action from what your mind is saying and what is requirement of the moment. Then these “I”s do exist for sometime, but they do not have any power on you . Yo being to change.
I have understood, after a really long time why people hate me. Since childhood, I have had very little friends, though I have not been a kind of an introvert. I wanted to mingle with people, go out with them, but I was not able to, since others did not like me much. When in college, It was a fact that I never had a best friend. The guy who I thought was my best friend, was someone else’s best friend and I was last in the list. While at work, people tired to avoid me. I was depressed all my life, until this day, when I realized the truth.
There are two reasons (basically one) but I have made it two for better understanding.
1. I open myself up very quickly
The nature of the human mind is to seek. It needs to know everything. Because the minds thinks that not knowing might bring danger. The mind keeps thinking, what kind of danger it might bring. So the mind needs to know. Whenever anything comes in its hands, it dissects it, operates on it, goes to the microscopic and submicroscopic level and tried to find our everything.
You must have noticed, that two people, not known to each other, when travelling together in a train or a bus, always tend to talk. The exchange names and ask each other what he or she does. It is the mind, who needs to know, because it is scared that God knows what might come up. Even if they do not talk, they keep talking within themselves about the person. The keep guessing, looking at the person’s behavior and belonging’s who might it be? And the inner chatter and guessing continues till the time they are sitting next to each other.
And when it knows, when it has nothing to find, it throws it away. It becomes useless. The attraction was only due to the lack of knowledge about that particular person or thing. All pursuits are only to know. And because of an inherent fear. Fear makes us seek and there is no end to it. This fear never ends. If there is no fear, there will be no seeking. The fear is usually deep inside us and we generally do not know about it.
The fear is the cause of all pursuits, whether it is an object, money or people. When the knowledge is apparently complete, the fear is gone and the seeking is over. This is the nature of human beings.
In my case I open myself up very quickly. In the first meeting with someone, they know everything about me. They know everything, like, what I do, whether I am married or single, where I work, what are my interests, what I read, what are my hobbies and everything. I become an open book. I don’t know why but I tell them everything. I tend to. They come to know that I am harmless. I am peaceful. They come to know that in no way I can be of any danger to him or her. Rather the also come to know, what they can get from me. Whatever they need they take and throw me away.
The reason is when I open myself up, their mind stops seeking. They do no longer chase me or want me. They know everything about me. Now, they do no longer want me. When I go to them, I feel ignored because I am of no use to them, and neither I pose any danger, neither I am mysterious.
I am ignored. I feel it is my fault because I revel everything in the first few meetings itself.
2. I reveal my own fears, problems and tensions
We have to understand that we are all humans. We have the same fears, same tensions and same problems. Because the origin of fear is the same for all of us. We will talk about the origin of fears in another post.
The fears are there, there are somewhere deep inside you mind. They pop out from time to time and cause you enormous tension. You hide it immediately with some cover. But the fear never goes. It remains and keeps bothering you from time to time.
We are always in the look out for a cover. We want to hide it under a blanket.
As I have told that all our seeking is for knowledge, we see whether the other will be of any use to us or is completely useless. The seeking is only to know whether the other will be of any use to us. What can be a possible use of another person? It may seem many things, but the most basic thing is whether the other person will be able to cover my fears. The fears are dangerous. If they pop out and possess us, it may cause enormous trouble. So we constantly look out for people who will be able to cover up my fears.
We never talk about our fears. We suppress our fears because we have been taught to suppress our fears since the time we were children and we have been suppressing our fears since that time. We want them to be hidden and want to carry them to our grave.
Everyone has fears. If anyone comes and tells me that he does not have fear, I would not believe. It has to be someone like the Buddha to say so. All others, I mean those who are not enlightened, have fears and we are continuously protecting ourselves. We are always trying to make our fears hide under the blanket. All seeking, all questions and all arguments (internal and external) are to protect ourselves.
When I reveal my fears, when I reveal my tensions, anxieties to others. I immediately become useless for them. They are looking for someone, who will be able to save them for their own fears, which they have been hiding. They are looking for someone fearless, which is very very difficult to find in this planet. They thought, when they met me, that may be I ll be able to save them, but I come out to be someone who is himself afraid like them.
I become a mirror and reflect their real faces, which they hate to see. They want to hide under a mask of bravery, but internally they have only fears, which makes them seek all life and they die one day with the fears. They fail to understand that I am also a human and not enlightened like a Buddha. I have the same fears that they have. We all have same fears, because we all have the same egos, we have the same identities, which we keep protecting.
The only difference is – I reveal and they don’t. By revealing I become a weak guy and others by hiding, become strong and brave. According to me, being brave is just a false show. It is not true. It is suggestive of another fear. Whatever we do, whether we hide or reveal, the fear is there and will be there if not completely uprooted from our being. Simply hiding our fears will not make us brave.
When I reveal my fears, I act as a mirror. I remind them of their fears because the fears I have are the same as theirs. When I talk about my fears, they see themselves in me. They see themselves as a scared person. But I cannot help. I cannot pretend. I have to reveal whatever is going on inside. I do not know whether it is my weakness or bravery.
They throw me out.
I was thinking about wiring about love. But you will not understand love, if you do not understand hate. You will be able to love only if you understand why you hate.
To understand this you will first have to do a little exercise. This exercise will help you know yourself. This exercise is very important.
Take a piece of paper and write down point wise about yourself.
Your Relations – like, you are someone’s son or a daughter, you are a friend, you are someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, someones fiance, someone’s student, someone’s teacher, write down all that.
Your Dreams and Goals – You have had dreams since the time you were a kid. Even today you are planning for the future. You wanted a Good Job, You wanted a Good House, You wanted Good Education, you wanted a good spouse, you wanted a good looking spouse, if you are a girl, you have always dreamed of having a rich spouse. Also write about your future goals – what you would like to see yourself in 5 years from now (This seems like an HR Interview Question) – Write your goals of the past and that of the future.
Write down Presently who you are, what you do, where you work, what is your education, who you are with (husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance etc).
Write down what makes you, “YOU”.
All the above are your identities. All these identities make you “YOU”. Without these you will no longer be “YOU”. See, you have not one but many identities. There are so many “YOUs”. You are split between so many identities.
Throughout our lives, we keep protecting these identities. All our driving forces are only to protect these Identities and strengthen them. If you watch very carefully you will know. All your anger, all you pain, all your distress is because you are not able to live up to these identities. Every movement and every word uttered by us is only to protect and strengthen these identities and NOTHING ELSE. If you watch yourself very closely, you will know that I am right.
If you now make a list of all your the people you know or have known since childhood, you will be able to connect each of these people with every identity of yours. The people who help to to be one of your identities, are your friends and they are the people you like. And the people who have gone against these identities, have not made us be who we think we our, not made us realize one of our identities, have become our enemies, these are the people who we do not like.
When your spouse tells you that he or she loves you and will stay with you forever. Your Identity as a husband or wife gets strengthened and you like him or her. If your spouse comes and says, you are a pathetic person and would like to go for a divorce, Your identity as a husband or a wife gets threatened and you do not like her or him any more. Your identity as a “good Person” also gets threatened, because your spouse calls you “Pathetic” and you do not like him or her any more.
So we come to this conclusion that we hate everyone else and love only our identities. The whole world is our enemy, except our identities.
We hate when these identities get threatened by any situation or person. And we start hating that person. Be very careful and watch your thoughts when you develop some hatred for anyone. I can bet that this person or the situation must be threatening one or many of your identities. We love when someone strengthens our identities. Even when we love, we are loving not the person, but our own developed and imaginary identities.
Having these Identities gives rise to expectation. Since you cannot strengthen you identities, because most of them are absurd and Imaginary, we expect that the other will be able to. We do not understand that if you have not been able to do it, other being very much like you, we all are almost the same, how can he or she do it.
People marry thinking that the other will fulfill their dreams and expectations, and make them be their identities. But when this does not happen, it gives rise to enormous amount of tension between the partners. Each start hating the other and eventually it marriage ends up in divorce. But if these people have not realized what went wrong, they will repeat the same mistake again. One has to go to the core and uproot the error.
Now you know why you hate a person. You know what gives rise to hatred. You know why we love. Do we even understand the meaning of love? NO. I am afraid, but we do not.
You would start loving when you have stopped loving thousands of Identities that you have developed till date and everyday going on developing.
You do not have to love. Love will automatically happen when all these identities are no longer there. When you have separated yourself from your million identities.